I'll admit it,
I was totally obsessed with you
long before meeting you in the flesh..
In all respects,
you were pure perfection to me.
You had it all.
Everything I've ever desired in a man.
And I thought you were so totally out of my league.
As the time to finally meet in real time was coming up,
all my body issues and teenage , scoliosis-induced insecurities
came back with a vengeance,
because now I was not even that young anymore
plus my body was battered by childbearing (x4 times).
And you, you were you, and you were perfect.
How dare I even consider you?
All my insecurities screaming in my mind,
''dont meet up with him''.
But I couldnt do that.
My soul was hungry for your body.
I wanted it all. All of you.
So I worked out hard.
Sweating for months. Exercising. Dieting.
Getting ready for you in the physical.
Scared.
What if it was my teenage humiliation all over again?
What if you were repulsed by my body fully naked?
What if you, the perfection to my eyes, rejected me?
''I dont care'', I told myself. ''Why should I''?
''It's just a night. Just a one night stand''.
( Ha! Some one night stand it was, after all those months
of you making love to me
in every possible way, in every possible medium,
with your heart, mind, soul, voice, eyes, energy,
anything but your body. I was in denial. How original!)
But when the actual time came,
as I was easing out of my dress,
in a gesture of quick, brave abandon,
I no longer cared or thought about any of it.
It didnt matter whether I looked hot,
or sexy or what you'd been expecting of me.
All it mattered was,
that I wanted to fully surrender to you
body and soul,
to be seen, naked, vulnerable and exposed
and fully trusting in your care.
What a glorious feeling, to surrender like this.
Not because you dont care, as I thought I should feel.
But because the warmth of your presence
made it possible and natural and because nothing else mattered.
And your response saved me.
Not actual words,
you had already told me those in the previous months
and my rational mind couldnt believe you. Of course.
No, you actuall showed me.
You met my vulnerability and openess
with the utmost ravishing lovemaking,
of the kind that says
''Oh my Gorgeous Goddess,
I cant have enough of you.
All day and all night long you.
All of you.
Every little bit of you that you approve of
and every little bit of you that you dislike or are even disgusted by,
all of it, I'll devour and relish and pay special attention to.''
Something rusty and deep and as old as my teenage self
melted inside of me after that.
Being relished and adored and ravished
by you,
you, this perfectly perfect man,
( I liked you even more now that I actually met you in the flesh,
because dude #blushing#, what a treat I was in!)
healed all the embarrassement and body issues
and jokes I suffered as a teenage girl.
''You are unlike any woman I've ever met,'',
you told me that very same weekend.
''You re not posing like they do, you are not fake.. Y
ou are all there, all openness''
So my courage to meet you with the utmost openess and truth
was rewarded by so much love, respect and yes, worship,
that it blew my mind even more than my previous notion of your perfection ,made me fall even more head over heels in love.
Although our love story healed us both in many different ways,
and became a source of bliss on countless levels,
I shall always carry with me
how generoulsly you treated my insecurities
how you lealed me into acceptance and self love.
Thank you for this.
In addition to the tons of everything else I'm grateful for....
