Rantings

Don't get me wrong.

I love being in love.
(I bet most of you following my blogs already know that)

When I’m with someone I am in love with, someone who I feel has earned or deserves my love, someone whose mind and heart have won mine, I am sweet, inviting, tender, eager to please, cuddly and vulnerable and honest and generally a man's fantasy come true: obedient (not giving a shite how un-politically correct this sounds) and kinda submissive as well, fiercely loyal to the point of harming my own interests to support my mate, fully committed and totally faithful. I am eager to provide for all his needs, improve myself and my body so that I may be able to turn on my partner,  full of enthusiasm and optimism about the relationship. I give complete freedom to the one I love to be himself, to have his own life away from me. I support , bright-eyed, his ideas and projects with all my heart. I love taking care of him in  anyway he finds more pleasing. And it's fun cooking for him and doing all the wifey things for him. I text back right away, I dutifully call him first. And I am the master of sending him filthy pictures because it turns me on when he’s turned on.

And I LOVE sex. Lots and lots of it. With  only the person I'm in love with. I want to have it every single day. Several times a day. For the rest of our lives. I'm always up for it not only because I love sex per se but also because I love pleasuring my love, anyway he wishes. I like unashamedly holding hands in public and publicly showing my affection, by looks and kisses. I also dont give a shite whether the one I love is fat or thin or has any other physical imperfection, because to my eyes he looks like the embodiment of Prince Charming himself and I swoon with passion each time I look at him.

But I'm at a point in my life that I nolonger believe in happily ever afters simply because I know better. What is the point of believing in fairytales when, sooner or later, it is going to turn nasty or sour or be over? What is the point in investing in a person when they are sooner or later going to disappoint you or you are going to disappoint them or both of you each other?

When I realise I start feeling resentful, jealous,, worried, disappointed, or paranoid,  or any other negative feeling, I get this overwhelming feeling to hide,instead of trying to work things out. Like, why am I wasting my time worried about a man, when I could be doing my own thing, taking care of me and my own and be carefree and single to my heart's content?

I was hurt a lot in the past, like everyone else, I guess, my fair share of tears and disappointment and betrayal of the worst kind-yes, i insist , of the worst kind and I wish I could say more- happen to me, someone playing with my naivety and my thirst for love and  then leaving me heartbroken and far worse off than before. Heartache is a horrible thing, worse than death itself. It's not just mental or emotional, it's physical too. You plunge into a well of dispair and apathy where nothing matters anymore and it's just you and your pain and betrayal, wishing it to go away and not being able to.

Yes, the end of a loving relationship sucks big time. So being with someone, especially for the rest of my life,  scares the living shit out of me. I'd rather stay in the dating stage forever than fully commit or make plans or whatever

… Which isn’t working too well for me, actually, because , you see, I am so much in love right now.

But still...Some things just trigger me and then ALL I WANT IS TO RUN AND HIDE IN A CORNER before I am abused or taken advantage of, or being lied to,  cheated on or submitted to the other terrible little things that can take their toll on me. Because of my past, the bright-eyed,warm hearted, trusting and generous in all respect woman I am normally when in love,wants to hide away in a corner and never give anyone the chance to do things to me because I loved them and trusted them. At any sign of things not working out in my relationship, my first instinct is to throw the towel and exclaim ''Fuck this, I dont need any more crap in my life, I can be single and HAPPY AT LAST''. For ever. MY happily ever after with myself at last

PS: I'm not always like this, I swear, but when I do, I get it real bad...